Sideshow Alley Read online

  Colin watched as the turret spun crazily under the dome as Tiddles tried desperately not to become the meat in the sandwich. It reminded him a lot like the Orbitor they had ridden together only an hour before and he waited eagerly for his turn. Tiddles easily out-manoeuvred his assailants, dispatching them and two more before the visual display flashed a ‘well done’ and the turret returned to its resting position.

  ‘That was some shooting, Tiger,’ the Spruiker said.

  Even though the game had ended, the adrenalin was still pumping through Tiddles’ veins.

  ‘Does that mean I get a crack at the next level?’

  ‘It sure does,’ the Spruiker assured him, ‘but first let’s get Ace here, started.’

  Colin took his place in the turret and started the program. The Spruiker waited until he was engaged with the enemy before guiding Tiddles over to the light at the side and pausing on the green area under one of the tubes.

  ‘Wait there,’ he said, and moved over to the side.

  ‘I forgot to ask. How tall are you?’

  Tiddles automatically stood a little taller.

  He was about to answer when the Spruiker hit a button on the side of the tube support and Tiddles disappeared.

  The Spruiker shook his head and chuckled to himself, it works every time.

  Colin’s game was just finishing, so he went over and looked at the display.

  ‘How did you go, Ace?’

  ‘A piece of cake,’ Colin informed him, before looking around the dome.

  ‘Where did Tiddles go?’

  ‘He’s gone on to the next level,’ the Spruiker replied, ‘he said he’d wait for you there.’

  ‘Then lead the way.’

  They walked over to the light and the Spruiker stood Colin on the same green patch under the tube, ‘Wait there a moment.’

  He pulled a mobile phone from his pocket.

  ‘By the way, how tall are you?’ he asked, and then hit the button a second later. Happy with his work, he opened the door and went through it—just in time to greet the four youths who had entered the tent.

  The New Intake

  Colin materialised, only this time the room was much smaller and the area beneath the tube red. Two different guards pounced on him and dragged him through to another much larger room full of people, where they dumped him unceremoniously before returning to their post.

  He stood up and looked about the room. It was filled with rows of shiny white tables and matching bench seats. There was a food servery to one side with a kitchen beyond and he guessed that it was a mess room of sorts. Then looking further he could see most of the older youths that had passed through the Spruiker’s tent and others like himself who were already eating.

  Someone called out his name and he saw Tiddles move towards him.

  ‘Are we dead?’ Colin asked.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Tiddles answered, ‘this sure isn’t Heaven and it sure ain’t Hell—they don’t feed people down there. I think we’re stuck somewhere between—let’s check out the food.’

  They followed one of the older youths through the servery and did exactly what he did, then took their food over to the tables and sat next to the same youth.

  Tiddles looked down at the plate full of goulash and rice on his tray along with a bread roll and cup of tea.

  ‘At least the food is edible.’

  Colin turned to the youth they had followed, ‘Can you tell us where we are?’

  He laughed at them and said, ‘No. I wouldn’t want to spoil the Colonel’s fun.’

  ‘Then you are military?’

  The older youth ignored him and didn’t bother to reply.

  Colin looked further around the mess and spied several groups of men with green-tinged flesh.

  ‘I think you’re right about it being between Heaven and Hell. If the Spruiker wasn’t lying before, then those people are from Zylon,’ he noted.

  ‘And both those guards were from Prathkos,’ Tiddles said, remembering.

  They looked around the room and identified at least three others who were from different alien races altogether. There was a commotion at the doorway as the guards pushed another youth through.

  ‘It’s Jimmy. Hell, I forgot all about him,’ said Colin, ‘stay here and look after the food while I go and get him.’

  He went over to Jimmy and said, ‘Don’t ask, just follow me,’ and went through the servery to show him the selection of food on offer and get a meal so he could eat when back at the table.

  ‘Did you come alone?’

  Jimmy looked around bug-eyed, ‘No, Barry, Dave and his brother Pee Wee were with me. Where the hell are we, anyway?’

  Colin quickly brought him up to speed on the facts as they knew them and watched the door as he ate. The others were thrust through one by one. Pee Wee was the last and clung to Dave, terrified of everything he saw. Others like them sat in small groups and whispered to each other while casting furtive glances all around.

  Another five came through the doorway. Colin helped each one until finally the Spruiker himself walked through, flanked by the guards from below. All heads turned his way to see what would happen next and more importantly, to find out where and what they were there for. They watched as he made his way to the lectern in the far corner and draw himself erect before switching on the microphone there.

  ‘I guess right about now I must be one of the most hated men around,’ he said, pausing for effect. When no one dissented he continued, ‘I thought as much! So far you all know me as a Spruiker in a Carnival, but the reality is I’m a Colonel in the Galactic Legion and you are aboard the Legion’s Carrier Redemption, tethered above your homeport on the planet Earth.’

  ‘Now you may ask, what is the Galactic Legion? And to answer that I would have to tell you about the war that is raging in the heavens above you. There is a race of reptilian like beings that we lovingly refer to as ‘Lizard Men’, who are cutting a trail through the galaxy, pillaging planets and killing indiscriminately. They are meat eaters, who feed on those they vanquish—so you can see the dilemma and need for a military organization such as ours.’

  ‘Now the Legion is made up of representatives from the more evolved planets throughout our Galaxy. You can see evidence of this in the room here today, with different planets being represented. You might also ask what this has got to do with Earth! Well just because you aren’t a part of the Galactic Community as yet, it won’t stop the Lizard Men when they come through.’

  ‘What we have is a need for someone to man the weaponry aboard our fighting craft and we’ve found that the best such people come from Earth, which is why we canvas for new recruits there. Some of the last intake is sitting amongst you now—they came back willingly to serve another hitch. Stand up, Gentlemen, and be seen.’

  One by one the remnants of the last intake stood up and Colin recognised them as the ones the Spruiker had welcomed so warmly in his tent. From the alien beings amongst them came applause. It came from everyone except those who had been shanghaied and beamed aboard.

  ‘Thank you Gentlemen, you may sit down… That is where you people come in. Not only have you passed the test given you in the tent below, but you’ve also volunteered your service to the Galaxy as well—and I have to say I admire that in a man.’

  Colin couldn’t resist standing up and having a go at the Colonel, voicing what must have been on all of the new recruit’s minds.

  ‘You must be dreaming, Sunshine. We never volunteered for anything!’

  The Colonel put a hand to his ear, ‘Pardon?’

  ‘You heard me, Arsehole,’ Colin said, getting braver, ‘we didn’t sign a thing.’

  ‘Yes, I heard you and I also admire a person who speaks his mind, but are you sure of your facts? You never signed anything?’

  A ripple of laughter came from the older fighters.

  All eyes moved to Colin as he said, ‘Nothing!’ and then shifted back to the Colonel to see his response.

&nbs
p; ‘Then it seems I owe you an apology and will return you immediately,’ he went to turn away, but thought better of it.

  ‘Are you sure you never signed a EULA, an online agreement before starting the final test?’ the Colonel asked, and then searched through the pile of papers in front of him.

  From the older fighters in the room there came more laughter and Colin’s heart sank along with those of all the new recruits when they realised how they had been tricked. Suddenly his eyes lit up—there was still a chance.

  The Colonel held up a piece of paper, ‘Yes, this is the one I believe. Is your name Mr Colin Oscopy?’

  More laughter erupted, the Zylons joining in the hilarity as Colin responded, ‘No, Sir, it’s not!’

  ‘I was sure this was the one,’ the Colonel said, perplexed. ‘I wonder how that could be. Did you actually read the online agreement because if you had, you would know what the penalty is for fraudulently signing your name or that of someone else on this document? You see the basic agreement is for one year’s continuous service by the signatory. Failing that or for falsifying a document as you have, is punishable by two years hard labour in the salt mines of Prathkos—that is of course unless the Lizard Men find them first, in which case it wouldn’t matter.’

  The two guards made a move toward Colin, but the Colonel stopped them, although their eyes continued to bore straight through him.

  The Colonel read through some more of the agreements.

  ‘Oh dear, Gentlemen, it seems there are a few more discrepancies. We have here a Mr Qwerty, a Mr Tiddles, a Pee Wee and a Mr Zxcvbnm. I wonder if there are any more. Would some of these people like the opportunity of starting over and signing again using their correct names?’ One hundred and twenty hands went into the air.

  ‘Okay men, queue up here and on confirmation of your name you will be allotted accommodation, then some of the older hands will show you where that is. After that, please try and stay in the immediate area and report back here at 0800 hours tomorrow when your training will begin. Thank you, Gentlemen.’

  The alien and Earth fighters alike continued to watch the new recruits as they sat huddled in groups to discuss the new revelations and what could be done about it. The noise rose to a steady hum as everyone talked at once. Most soon realised the futility of their situation and wandered towards the lectern to re-sign, fearing the alternative more. The older fighters realised the show was over and started to talk amongst themselves, laughing and joking at the Colonel’s methods. It was the best show in town and their admiration for him grew immensely.

  ‘I wonder if mowing the grass is still an option,’ Colin said, flippantly.

  ‘Somehow I don’t think so,’ Tiddles replied.

  ‘I’m really sorry for dropping you guys in it like this,’ Colin said, addressing Jimmy and his mates.

  ‘That’s all right, how were you to know,’ Dave answered.

  With nothing more to do they rose and joined the queue to await their turn. Finally it was Colin’s turn to front the lectern and the Colonel looked up surprised.

  ‘My, my! If it isn’t Mr Colin Oscopy himself—and what can I do for you?’

  ‘I want to sign like everyone else,’ Colin said, with a surly look on his face.

  ‘Are you sure about that, you’re not just doing it because of the alternative?’

  ‘I really don’t care. Let’s flip a coin,’ Colin said, through clenched teeth.

  ‘My, you’re so adorable when angry. Yes, I think we’d better let you do it, just so we can add the charge of insubordination to the list. Have you any ID?’ Colin pulled his wallet out and the Colonel copied the details from his unemployment card.

  ‘Aren’t you the lucky one, a paying job at last. You ought to be thanking me,’ he said, handing the wallet back.

  ‘Next!’ Tiddles stepped up to the plate. ‘Ah! Mr Tiddles.’

  Colin waited on the side while his mates were processed and was joined by one of the older fighters.

  ‘Is your name really Colin?’ the fighter enquired.

  Colin nodded, ‘So what’s yours? Are you from Earth?’

  The older fighter replied, ‘Ralph and yes, I’m from the same city as you. The Colonel visits there every year to return fighters whose hitch is up or want leave. He also recruits a new intake while there.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘He recruits and trains a whole new complement of fighters.’

  ‘What about yourself and the others like you?’

  ‘We’ll be shipping out in a few days to wherever we’re needed.’

  ‘So why did you come back then?’

  ‘Back home there is a saying—Once you’ve seen Paris, there is nothing else. It’s like that with here and Earth. Tell me, what’s waiting for you at home?’

  Colin thought for a moment, ‘The lawns,’ he offered.

  ‘Exactly,’ Ralph replied.

  A few of the others had joined them and now it was just Pee Wee they were waiting for. He took a step forward and the Colonel peered over the lectern to see him.

  ‘My, my. What do we have here? How old are you, Sonny?’

  ‘I’m nearly sixteen, Sir.’

  ‘So how did you get through?’ he asked, going through the remaining papers.

  ‘Ah, here it is. It says here that you’re 123 and that your name is Mr Pee Wee, is that right?’

  ‘Well, sort of.’

  ‘Tell me, which part is incorrect?’

  ‘All of it,’ Pee Wee replied.

  ‘And tell me, how do you think you’ll like it in the salt mines of Prathkos? Have you any ID on you?’

  Pee Wee shook his head, so Dave stepped forward and put an arm around his shoulder before addressing the Colonel.

  ‘Sir, he’s my brother.’

  ‘Well now, we do have a dilemma! We usually don’t allow two from the same family to join. Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you. Next!’

  Ralph led the group out of the door from which they had entered and took them down a corridor, past the room with the overhead transparent tubes with the red and green coloured floor beneath. The room was no longer guarded.

  ‘What’s that place?’ Colin asked.

  Ralph stopped to explain, ‘That’s the teleporter. It’s how you came to be on the ship. You were beamed up.’

  The others looked on amazed.

  ‘Then why can’t we just beam ourselves back if the guards have gone?’

  ‘For one thing, there is no endpoint—the Show is over and they’ve packed it up. Even if you worked out how to use it, the only other places to beam to are alien races or ships of the fleet.’

  ‘What’s the red and green on the floor mean?’ Tiddles asked.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Green’s for go, Red’s for no,’ said Dave.

  ‘Go to the top of the class,’ Ralph said. He continued down the corridor and turned left. ‘This is your new home. The heads, showers and laundry are adjoining. Breakfast is at 0630, so don’t be late,’ he warned, and then turned to go.

  ‘Wait,’ Colin said, ‘can you shed any more light on where we are?’

  Ralph thought for a moment before saying, ‘Just imagine the QE2 up in space. Naturally the upper deck is off limits. We are fully self sufficient and live below deck, launching sorties from and hopefully returning to our floating home. Usually there are updates of the hotspots shown in the mess each night after the movie—you’ll get a better idea from watching them.’

  ‘Thanks for the info, it’s much appreciated,’ Colin said, as Ralph departed.

  There were bunks either side of their new quarters, attached to the bulkheads. They were three high, hinged and stowed in the up position. Most of them were already taken, but they zeroed in on a group of six and claimed them for their own.

  ‘Not bad,’ said Jimmy, trying his out.

  ‘How are you coping so far?’ Colin asked, ‘are there any issues?’

  ‘Not here. Actually it’s every
thing the Colonel said. We get to have a crack at the ultimate game and I do believe we’re going to be paid to play it,’ Jimmy said.

  ‘But the money will be no good to you if you’re dead,’ Dave reminded him.

  ‘What about you, Pee Wee?’

  ‘Is the Colonel really going to send us to the salt mines?’

  ‘Nah, he’s only bullshitting. How about we go back to the mess and watch a movie?’ Colin suggested, and led the way back.

  The lights had been turned down and there was a film from Earth showing. It was an old Bogart one, with just a few spectators lounging around relaxing with a drink. A small group of Zylons sat to one side as well as a sprinkling of other Galactic crew, including some from Earth.

  Ralph sat sipping a beer. He waved them over and spoke in a lowered voice, ‘So how do you like it so far?’

  ‘It’s been one hell of a day. I don’t know if I’ll wake up to a new world in the morning or the old one,’ Colin replied.

  Ralph flashed him a smile, ‘You mean galaxy don’t you? The world as you know it is only a small slice.’

  ‘So what is it that you actually do?’ Colin asked, and the others hung on Ralph’s reply.

  ‘I’m a glorified Gunnery Officer, pure and simple. Those games you played in the tent today—we do that for real up here in the heavens.’

  The boys looked at each other while trying to comprehend.

  ‘From here?’ Colin asked, still not sure of the picture.

  ‘Wait until the movie’s over. There’ll be some news clips afterwards that will explain everything.’

  The boys turned toward the screen and stayed glued to the film until it ended and the credits rolled. Suddenly a news clip started. Colin assumed that whatever they saw would be heavily vetted and not necessarily the truth, but his mouth dropped and he stared speechless as footage of the fighting above some far off planet viewed on the screen in front.

  What they saw was a huge mothership hanging in space, with smaller fighter craft launching to engage an incoming foe. All of the spectators in the room sat on the edge of their seats as craft from both sides were obliterated in the savage fighting until at last the enemy withdrew. Afterwards they were shown images of the destruction the Lizards had caused on the planet below. Houses that had been damaged by rockets and still smoking, now devoid of inhabitants, who were either killed and eaten or beamed aboard the mothership to feed on later. Finally the camera focused on a Lizard Man who had been wounded and captured. His leathery face contorted in agony and hatred to reveal rows of razor-sharp teeth as he struggled to free himself.